When I first moved into my current neighborhood, I was struck by two observations: the lack of flowers in people’s front yards and the number of deer roaming the area. I surmised these two situations were connected. I love growing things and especially things that bloom, so I went to the local nursery and obtained a list of plants that are considered “deer resistant.” The brochure proclaimed that deer not only “don’t enjoy” these plants, they are actually “repelled by” these particular species so I could safely plant them in my front yard and enjoy them without fearing they would be snacked on.
By the way, the deer in our neighborhood are no longer considered by the locals as cute or fun to observe. They have become so inbred and domesticated that they no longer have any natural prey instincts. When I walk my very sizable great Pyrenees mix down the sidewalk, does and their fawns just stare at me curiously, while the bachelor bands of bucks appear offended that we are venturing into their territory. We literally have to walk around them as they stare at us impassively with no fear at all. They also stand in the roadways without paying any mind to passing cars, which often hit them, especially at night.
Apparently the deer did not read the brochure that I was given by the local nursery because they proceeded to eat every single plant that I tried to grow. They even cleaned out the flower pots on my front porch. I would open the front door to find them happily chowing down on my Lantana and Esperanza, both of which were at the top of the list for being deer resistant! When I tried to shoo them away, they simply looked at me with distain. This Christmas I planted some beautiful red and white Cyclamens in the large stone pots on my front porch. For three days I checked on them faithfully to find them flourishing. On the fourth day, I opened the front door and not only had all of the flowers and buds been stripped off, these marauders had pulled the plants right out of the pots and eaten them almost down to their roots. Th concrete was sprinkled with soil and the sad remains of my once beautiful flowers.
I felt a surge of rage rise up in my body. My prized Cyclamens! I took a deep breath and noticed how this had completely hijacked my mood. When I woke up that morning, I was feeling quite positive about the day. I reflected on how I have been losing this battle with the deer for flowers in my front yard for over a decade. I suddenly wondered why I was allowing this situation to continue to rob me of my peace and why I was continuing to put so much energy and time and thought and emotion towards it. I tenderly scooped up what was left of the plants and carried them to the backyard. I considered the large stone pots, experimentally tipping them back-and-forth to determine their weight. They were incredibly heavy. I tried to wrestle them onto a dolly unsuccessfully. I ended up emptying out the soil to make the pots lighter and carted them to the backyard, poured the soil back in and re-potted what was left of the plants.
I gazed at my empty porch with some resignation, realizing that I was not going to have flowers on my front porch. I now understood why many of my neighbors had plastic flowers, which I found garish in their artificial brightness at first and then sad as their colors faded over time. I decided I didn’t want fake flowers. I wanted the appearance of my front porch to reflect my acceptance of a situation that I didn’t want to put any more energy towards trying to change. I wondered how many other situations in my life I had battled unsuccessfully and needlessly because I decided it was imperative that things be a certain way. I no longer want to let these kinds of situations, whether they be flowers on my front porch, or relationship patterns, or keeping my environment ordered in a particular way to rob me of my peace and joy. We often focus on the victory of overcoming challenges in our culture, and there is certainly a place for that to be celebrated. But there is also wisdom in recognizing when the struggle is costing too much and the gains no longer outweigh the cost.
I want to go into this year with an openness to “what is,” to how things really are rather than how I think they ought to be or desire them to be. I wish to choose wisely where I invest my energy, my emotions, and my thoughts, in ways that are congruent with my values of simplicity, authenticity, peace, and joy. When you drive up to my house now you will not find any flowers on the front porch. But you will find me inside, ready to welcome you into rich connection with a more peaceful heart and spirit, not drained by an ongoing battle with the neighborhood deer or the many other things I have accepted that I cannot change. (Just please don't marvel at how many deer you saw in my neighborhood on your way to visit me or just how cute they are!)
“Once we understand that what happens beyond our control may be just what we need, we see that acceptance of reality can be our way of participating in our own evolution.” (David Richo, The Five Things We Cannot Change and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them.” )
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